Before you jump to any conclusions and assume I’m one of those weirdos who frequent websites where all the ladies take their clothes off, rest assured that I most certainly am not. Unless I’ve been drinking, in which case, anything goes. But, I wasn’t drinking, at least, not too heavily, when the incident I’m about to describe happened. I was tooling around online, trying to find an illegal download of a movie to watch for free. Sometimes, it’s better to splurge on the two ninety-nine rental fee. But this was like a week ago when I was not the wise man that I am today. So, I’m surfing through all the sites—movylocker, freefilmz, multivideo—and, all of a sudden, a chat window pops up. It was a slightly more sophisticated than your average text box because it also featured a picture of the person to whom I was speaking: Emma. Emma was a rather adventurous type who lay there not completely naked, but almost. The expression on her face suggested she wasn’t quite within the throes of ecstasy, but on the verge. She said:
Emma (22:37): hey you :)
Emma (22:37): looks like all guys here are gay, no one wants to chat with me
Emma (22:38): or maybe they think im ugly, i dont know... am i? :/
Emma (22:38): helloooo! why won’t you chat with me??? are you gay?
To prevent this sweet smokin’ hottie from having her self-confidence shattered (and not to prove I’m actually straight because that would be silly and immature), I replied:
Me (22:39): I will chat with you if you can answer the following question:
Emma (22:39): :) oh, thanx baby...
Me (22:39): Please don’t call me baby. I don’t know you that well. Now, what is the square root of 24,591? Don't cheat!!!
Emma (22:40): haha, awesome!
Me (22:39): Wrong answer, baby.
Emma (22:40): im alone now, you want to come over maybe?
Me (22:40): I will come over if you can answer this question: Who is buried in Grant's tomb?
Emma (22:40): ...
Me (22:41): Take your time. It’s a tough one.
Emma (22:41): when are you free?
Me (22:41): Wrong again.
Emma (22:41): bring some alcohol ;)
Me (22:41): I'll bring alcohol if you can provide a valid identification insuring you are over the age of twenty-one …
Emma (22:41): cool, no problem...
Me (22:42): AND if you can answer this question: What is two plus two?
Emma (22:42): well, do it ...im waiting :)
Me (22:42): Three strikes, you’re out. Sorry, Emma, this isn’t going to work.
Emma (22:42): omg, im so excited...im ready for you.. hurry up
Me (22:42): You're kind of an idiot, huh?
Emma (22:42): chat session has timed out.
Me (22:43): Baby?
Me (22:43): Emma!
And that was the end of my whirlwind romance with Emma, the One Who Got Away. A man, not quite as wise as me but close enough, once said, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” I believe this man was onto something because my laptop has been running mysteriously slow since Emma, which leads me to the moral of this story. If a text box ever pops up on your computer featuring a happy fun girl looking for a good time, just bring her the goddamned alcohol. And, for the love of Jesus, whatever you do, do not question the poor girl’s intelligence. Emma, oh, Emma, my darling, it was wrong of me to test you with those silly quizzes. Please, please, give me another chance. I don’t care if you’re just an internet robot scam. Please come back, baby. Emma. Emma!!!